Wednesday, May 17: Fasten Your Seatbelts
The most American film franchise in history returns this weekend
Motor oil and family, that’s all you need to succeed.
Over the past two decades, we’ve watched Vin Diesel (aka Mark Sinclair) grow from a one-dimensional potato-passing meathead actor to a loving, caring, lethally-turbocharged family man, dodging death countless times and continuing to wax poetics about the importance of family. Only one film franchise could allow for such a stark transition. I’m talking, of course, about the Fast and the Furious.
The latest installment of the absurd film franchise is hitting theaters this weekend, and the “Fast Family” isn’t even close to being done. The franchise has grossed more than $6 BILLION and it has gone from a couple of movies about illegal street racing to nonstop celebrity cameos and trips to outer space. These films are unbound by the laws of nature, physics, or law enforcement for that matter, and over the course of the first five or six films, we aren’t really sure which side of the law we’re on. Obviously the main protagonist Dom Toretto chooses to operate by his own rules, never afraid to break a speed limit and always testing our suspension of disbelief. However, his partner in crime early on was Brian O’Conner, a law enforcement agent torn between his love for Dom’s sister Mia and his duty to uphold and enforce the law (eww).
The villains in these films have varied from the simple and straightforward ambiguously Asian street racers to shady South American business moguls, disavowed government operatives, and most recently, fictitious shadow cyberterror networks. Through all of this, F&F has stuck to its guns, providing endless iconic shots of Dom Toretto and endless product placement for his favored Corona beer.
As with all things American, there’s really no reason for this franchise to exist in the first place. Like Nathan’s Famous hot dog eating contest and the annual Home Run Derby, it’s really just a matter of how much our palate can withstand. It’s hard to imagine what’s next for this bloated globalist melting pot of cars and family glued together by special effects and a commitment to audacious unreality. We’ve seen pre-Wonder Woman Gal Gadot (zionist scum that she is) as well as Bow Wow when he was still relatively Lil join the ranks of the “Fast Family”. We’ve witnessed Dwayne “The Sweaty Swearing Rock” Johnson’s introduction and subsequent transformation into America’s sweetheart/potential future presidential candidate.
F&F has truly exceeded any possible expectations, and they’re not done yet. Buckle up and brace for impact, Fast X will hit the big screen this weekend. I know I’ll be there.
Side Items
Something’s Wrong With These Kids: This article from The Guardian delves deeply into why so many young Americans are adopting fake British accents, particularly to deflect from awkward moments of discomfort. I wasn’t aware that this was such a trend, I thought it was just funny to occasionally say Chewsday instead of Tuesday, but apparently some of these kids have deeper mental and emotional problems to navigate.
The Fossil Speaks: A diligent DC reporter was able to track down Dianne Feinstein to ask a few hard-hitting questions like, “How does it feel to be back”, to which the geriatric responded, “I thought I was here the whole time…”. We really need to implement a mandatory retirement age for the people that run this country, this is getting ridiculous
Wemby to San Antonio?: Victor Wembanyama, the gargantuan teenage French basketball star, will almost certainly be the first pick in the upcoming NBA draft. He’s listed at 7’5”, and at just 19 years old, he could be running the league for the next 10+ years. The Spurs of San Antonio won the first pick in the draft next month, and the general consensus is that they’d be fools not to take Wemby