Tuesday, October 4: White Savior Mentality
We attempt to see the world through the ignorant eyes of a wealthy white man
Yesterday, the world’s foremost expert on memes and vibez, the colonizing emerald mine prince himself, logged on to share his solutions to ongoing global issues, namely the Russian invasion of Ukraine. The absentee father of nine (9) expressed the opinion that perhaps Ukraine should simply abide by Russian desires to annex large swaths of their country. Basic Musk logic says Ukraine should hold elections to determine whether their territory, and the citizens living on it, belongs to them. He goes on to mention that a possible, “albeit unlikely” outcome of the conflict is nuclear war. With this in mind, let’s consider how Mr. Musk might approach solving other conflicts and catastrophes.
Elon Musk Solves The Palestine Problem: Maybe those pesky Palestinians should listen to their neighbors and allow them to annex certain neighborhoods into Israel. Musk would use his Boring Company, a glorified ditch digging corporation, to create a network of underground tunnels to transport goods and services away from the crowded and hostile streets. This brilliant solution would create a lasting peace, at least until the next round of airstrikes.
Elon Musk Fixes Hurricane Damage: You know what would help these poor people recover from a devastating storm that robbed them of all their belongings? That’s right folks, dogecoin, the coolest internet trend since the Cinnamon Challenge. Musk could set up a local microfinance company that trades only in dogecoin with 31% of all proceeds going to recovery efforts. The other 69% are going straight to his child support payments obviously.
Elon Musk Fixes Caves in Thailand: Our brilliant protagonist once again outdoes himself by concocting a plan to build a miniature submarine to save children trapped in an elaborate cave system. No matter that the children were already saved by an expert cave-diver, now that the king of intellect and internet humor has logged on, it’s time to sit back and absorb some knowledge dammit.
Elon Musk Fixes School Shootings: Have we thought about making guns electric?
Elon Musk Fixes Climate Change: What if we built a network of interconnected underground tunnels that we could drive on? Not sure how this helps exactly, but it sounds pretty cool and who doesn’t love driving in tunnels? It’s almost as fun as navigating caves in my personal submersible.
Tune in next time as we consider Musk’s novel solutions to other global issues like wildfires, police brutality, and breastfeeding in public.
Side Items
The plural for “bad apple” is precinct or police force: After an LAPD officer was killed during a “training exercise” by other officers, the truth is slowly starting to trickle out. The lawyer for the dead officer’s family says that before he was killed he was investigating a gang rape by 4 cops, at least one of whom was part of the exercise. If you need more evidence that police are not the good guys, just wait long enough and they’ll provide plenty of proof of their scumbaggery
Food Worker Strike: A thousand food service workers at the San Francisco Airport went on strike for 3 days. In 3 days they won a 29% raise. That's the power of organized labor. That's the power of a strong union. That’s showbiz baby
UN Chief Has Seen Enough: United Nations Secretary-General Antonio Guterres issued a grave warned yesterday, saying that the world is in “a life-or-death struggle” for survival. Guterres highlighted worsening climate change and accused the world’s wealthiest countries of failing to do enough to stop the planet from overheating. Not sure what took him so long to weigh in, I’m sure Elon Musk would’ve addressed and solved this problem years ago