Mexico's Congress listened to testimony earlier this week from supposed experts who study extraterrestrials. These guys describe themselves as “ufologists” which doesn’t seem like a real term, and they delivered exactly what you’d expect.
Jaime Maussan, one of the ufologists, presented two small caskets to the congressional chambers, and as he spoke, two of his colleagues uncovered them, revealing two “bodies”. Now reader, to be clear, these are definitely NOT aliens, they look more like beef jerky. Their dried-out crusty corpses ALLEGEDLY contain non-human DNA, which seems like it would be big news if it was true (which it’s not).
The miniature corpses looked like your stereotypical depictions of aliens, which should’ve been the first major red flag. These little guys had the big head, little body, three fingered appearance that you’d expect from a Saturday morning cartoon. Maussan claimed they were found in Peru back in 2017 and estimated that they were 1,000 years old. The man went so far as to claim that one of the bodies had been pregnant.
This level of lying and deceit is probably commonplace in congressional chambers, but don’t get our hopes up for nothing. One of these days I’m going to decide to just believe in everything I see on the internet. It seems way more fun.
Side Items
Demented Danger: A recent study funded by the pentagon found that dementia among the people leading this country is becoming a national security threat. This shouldn’t really come as a surprise considering most of the people in power remember where they were when Neil Armstrong (allegedly) landed on the moon. In the past few months we’ve witnessed multiple prominent American officials, men and women entrusted with some of the nation’s most secretive and highly classified intelligence, experience public instances of confusion and (in some cases) incapacitation. These clear and obvious signs of aging have led many to debate about this country’s aging leadership. How many more freezing episodes does Mitch McConnell have to endure before we put him out to pasture? And why the hell is Nancy Pelosi so determined to return to office at her big age?
Breaking Planetary Boundaries: Congrats everyone, we finally broke the planet. The first complete ‘scientific health check’ conducted by nerds in lab coats indicates that most global systems have fallen outside the stable range in which modern civilization first emerged. According to the study, six out of nine “planetary boundaries” have been broken because of human-caused pollution and destruction of the natural world. These nine planetary boundaries are the limits of key global systems, little things like the climate, water, and wildlife diversity, beyond their ability to maintain a healthy planet. The broken boundaries mean the systems have been driven far from the safe and stable equilibrium that existed from the end of the last ice age, ~10,000 years ago, to the start of the industrial revolution. With that in mind, you can start to piece together who is to blame…
Coming to America: 30 years ago today my mama brought me and my older siblings to America to join my dad. It’s not exactly news, and it’s probably not that interesting to most people, but sometimes I think about what our life would look like if my parents hadn’t made that fateful decision. One thing is for certain, I wouldn’t last very long making a daily newsletter criticizing the Egyptian government from inside a dictatorship