I’m not a proud man. I’m willing to admit when I’ve made a mistake.
As reported earlier this week, yesterday was ‘National Cinema Day’, another made up capitalist excuse to motivate people to get out and watch below-average films. To incentivize the masses, the price of movie tickets was reduced to just $3 for almost all showtimes. Reader I’m ashamed to say that I, of sound mind and body, joined the sheeple and watched what may be one of the worst movies ever made.
Fully aware that this adventure would cost ~$7 (including tax), I booked two tickets for a film titled “3,000 Years of Longing” off of the strength of one image. Specifically, this image of Tilda Swinton and Idris Elba sitting together where it appears Elba has been given elf ears? (Idris Elf-a?)
Put plainly, this film features Idris Elba playing a djinn (the religious creatures made of fire) who recounts three millenia of his personal history to Swinton, who plays a quirky English woman (so basically herself). For reasons that remain unexplained, Elba’s ears distractingly resemble half-chewed beef jerky, and the chemistry between these two characters could best be described as nonexistent. I spent what felt like 3,000 years longing for the end credits, and when they finally, mercifully rolled (after numerous false endings) there wasn’t a coherent lesson or story to walk away with.
Or rather, the lesson learned is that nothing in this life comes cheap, except the things we don’t value, which I suppose is the definition of the word. Overall, this film gets a 0/10 in my book; forgettable soundtrack, mediocre visual effects, poor storytelling, no redeeming qualities, stuff it in a bottle and try again in another 3,000 years.
Side Items
NASA was forced to delay the launch of the Artemis rocket once again after encountering a hydrogen leak while fueling. Those damn labcoats need to get it together, the diagnostics and atmospheric pressure gauges are clearly indicative of a valve release issue with the dorsal fin that’s sending the rocket into a tailspin
Chileans will vote today on a new constitution that would protect a wide variety of rights including the right to internet, housing, and clean air and water. No word yet on when the United States will update its constitution to guarantee clean water as Jackson residents continue to struggle
The college football season kicked off yesterday, so it’s only right to slander people who make that a part of their personality for four months out of the year. Beyonce fans got made fun of last month, it’s only fair to do the same for those still chasing the feeling of being a 19-year old