Surprise! After years of bribery, corruption, skepticism, and the deaths of thousands of migrant workers, the 2022 FIFA World Cup kicks off today. Here’s the best article to read in advance/alongside consuming the spectacle, if you can stomach the laundry list of human rights violations. As an avid soccer consumer I’ll be tuned in not only for the beautiful game, but to hopefully witness the unraveling of a capitalist’s dream. Qatar believed it could buy the attention of the world for a month by bribing a few key people, and now hundreds of thousands of foreign fans will navigate what was once a loose collection of fishing villages. This can’t possibly go well.
The first game kicks off in just a few minutes, as the hosts will play Ecuador in front of tens of thousands of adoring fans. I’m guessing Qatar thought ahead and paid off a few more crucial figures ahead of the fixture (the refs, the opposing coach, maybe a few rogue athletic trainers) to guarantee their success. They’ll need any advantage they can get to survive this tournament.
Here are my Official World Cup Predictions (if you use any of these absurd predictions to bet and win, you’re obligated to give all of your winnings to charity)
Winner: Brazil
Runner-Up: Argentina
Golden Ball (best player): Neymar
Golden Boot (most goals): Vinicius Jr.
Golden Glove (best goalkeeper): Alisson Becker
Best Young Player: Jamal Musiala
Tournament Highlight: Watching thousands of England fans get excited as they win their group and advance to the quarter-finals, only to be undone and embarrassed by a team like Japan or Serbia
Side Items
Tragedy in Colorado Springs: A shooting at an L.G.B.T.Q. nightclub in Colorado Springs took the lives of five people and injured dozens more. When I first read the headline I honestly thought it was in remembrance of the 2016 shooting in Orlando, FL when a gunman killed 49 people and wounded 53 more at a gay nightclub. Congresswoman Lauren Boebert, the mindless idiot/republican elected official who is an outspoken supporter of gun rights, called the shooting “absolutely awful” and said she was praying for the victims, probably hoping she can perform some post-mortem conversion therapy or something
Trump’s Return to Twitter: The worst performing president, who also happened to be the best tweeter, is back! It was always destined to happen, especially when the Elongated Muskrat bought the social media site. Using a twitter poll that was almost definitely riddled with bot activity, the unrepentant trust fund beneficiary chose to reinstate Trump’s account, returning to him his favorite pulpit from which he can command the hordes of thoughtless sheep that follow him blindly
Don’t look now, assassinations work: Remember that guy who used a homemade shotgun to blast the former Japanese leader in broad daylight? Turns out he may have had a point. A draft bill in Japan would enable the children or spouse of a follower of a religious group to claim back some of a donation if it was made under conditions deemed problematic. This bill almost exactly tagets the concerns of the assassin, who had a family member fall deep into debt with the problematic Unification Church
Today is Joe Biden’s 80th birthday, that ancient crustacean. It sure would be nice to have a leader younger than the state of Alaska