It’s the most American of holidays! Move over Christmas and outta the way 4th of July, it’s Super Bowl Sunday!
Today we celebrate the end of the American football season, but only in the most American way possible (which is to say the grandest, most capitalist spectacle imaginable). This is likely to be the most-viewed TV event of the year, as tens of millions of Americans hunker down to watch grown men pile on each other. There will be raucous fanfare and elite athletes competing and probably a military flyover.
There will be commercials featuring talking animals, and parodies of famous TV shows trying to sell you candles or mattresses or whatever. There will even be a $20 million commercial spot for a Christian group letting us know that “He gets us”. What better time than the Super Bowl for wealthy Christian boosters to get their message across to people who are ‘spiritually open, but skeptical’.
In honor of the ~big game~ today, here are some of the top storylines the league tried to ignore or sweep under the rug this season.
Top 5 NFL Storylines Swept Under the Rug
Deshaun Watson: The Cleveland Browns quarterback escaped any semblance of accountability for his litany of accusations of sexual harassment and instead signed the biggest QB contract ever… More than two dozen women said Watson sexually harassed, and in some cases assaulted, them during professional massage appointments. But after a Houston grand jury declined to indict him, he signed the most lucrative fully-guaranteed contract in league history. And the league moves on like it never happened
Damar Hamlin’s Near Death Experience: Which, to be clear, actually involved him dying for a brief period of time. The NFL choosing to ignore the near-tragedy is a strange approach, but it speaks to the league’s unwillingness to address any of the continued issues that affect player health and safety
Concussion Protocols: The league still can’t seem to decide what exactly constitutes a severe head injury. For example, earlier this season, Miami Dolphins QB Tua Tagovailoa suffered not one, but two scary instances where his brain and body clearly weren’t on the same page. The NFL’s official policy now requires players to sit out a number of days in the event of a concussion, but players are still suffering game after game
Racism Across the League: This season had no shortage of race-related issues. From Cowboys owner Jerry Jones being revealed as a 14-year-old racist, to former Miami Dolphins coach Brian Flores filing a class action lawsuit against the league claiming racist hiring practices, the accusations are getting hard to ignore, but the league is still dodging
Toxic Culture of the Washington Football Team: An organization whose history of sexual harassment and workplace misconduct goes back years. This season the team and its scumbag owner became the focus of congressional and NFL investigations, which Dan Snyder, the scumbag in question, dodged by going on an extended vacation on his yacht in the Mediterranean. These NFL owners are truly some of the worst people in existence
Bonus: Tom Brady’s last season also happened to be his worst season. Also it came at the cost of his wife and family. I almost feel bad for the guy. Almost
More importantly, today’s events will also feature Rihanna performing her first public concert in years. She’ll be expected to run through her bottomless catalogue in ~15 minutes, raising the question, what songs will she choose to perform in such a short time?
Top 5 Probable Songs (in no particular order)
Pon De Replay - 9/10 (the bop that started it all)
Umbrella - 8/10 (a timeless classic, enough said)
Please Don’t Stop The Music - 6/10 (an up-tempo ballad to keep people moving)
We Found Love - 8/10 (guaranteed to get the people out of their seats for 15-30 seconds)
Bonus: Life Me Up - 3/10 (I’ll be the one to say it, it’s just not a good song)