Saturday, November 19: World Cup FyreFest Part II
Wherein Giovanni Infantino makes himself an imaginary victim
With the tournament officially kicking off tomorrow, the World Cup wasted no time being dramatically exploitative and openly dishonest, as the head of the organization gave the strangest villain monologue imaginable. Giovanni Infantino, (a man with a fitting name in that his head resembles that of a child), gave a breathtaking hour-long diatribe to open a news conference in Doha, the country’s capital.
"Today I have very strong feelings, today I feel Qatari, today I feel Arab, today I feel African, today I feel gay, today I feel disabled, today I feel a migrant worker."
To be clear, Infantino is none of these things. He’s a wealthy European heterosexual man whose only issue is that people might try to slap his shiny smooth bald head from time to time. Young Gio went on to claim that he understood what it felt like to be discriminated against because as a child he was bullied for having red hair and freckles. Meanwhile, there are reports from fans arriving at the tournament that sponsored accommodations are still an active construction site. Complaints of a lack of access to clean drinking water and missing amenities will certainly continue over the coming days.
Sadly, Infantino will stand unopposed for reelection as FIFA president next March, so we’ll more than likely be treated to more public shows of victimhood. This speech in particular was taking aim at critics of Qatar and FIFA by defending the treatment of migrant workers, saying LGBTQ+ people are welcome in Qatar and insisting that he is still in control of the tournament despite the last-minute stadium ban on alcohol. Nothing like a party host insisting that they’re in control as the tidal wave swallows up the entire party.
Anywayyyy, let’s play some ball, I’m psyched.
Side Items
“Justice Served”: Theranos fraudster Elizabeth Holmes was sentenced to ~11 years in prison yesterday, prompting sympathetic whites to say, “But what about her children?!” As a prison abolitionist, I know inherently that no one belongs in prison, and that locking her up benefits society in no way. I also know that Holmes’ charade came at the expense of billions of dollars from the worst kinds of investors (it’s always Henry Kissinger), so I don’t exactly feel sorry for her. Who knows what kinda time she’ll actually wind up doing, maybe she’ll catch her kids middle school graduations
White Women: Days after Swifties initially encountered trouble with the hellsite, the US Justice Department is now investigating the parent company of Ticketmaster. The botched rollout of concert tickets was probably not a part of Taylor’s agenda. No dispatches from her private jet, as she’s been rumored to be circling the skies over Los Angeles for weeks like a predatory bird
A Pantsless Disaster: Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro, who has barely been seen in public since failing to win re-election weeks ago, is apparently holed up in his official residence due to a skin infection on his leg. Brazilian newspaper O Globo quoted his former vice president earlier this week saying, “It is a health issue. He has a leg injury, a skin infection. He cannot wear pants. You want him to come here wearing Bermuda shorts?” Let me be the first to say no sir, we do not
World Cup Prep (saved the best for last?)
Brazil: If there’s any team with high expectations going into Qatar, it’s these guys. They’ve got a star at his peak in Neymar, a global sensation who’s won everything except for the World Cup surrounded by attacking options that could best be described as a true embarrassment of riches (Vinicius Jr. Raphinha, Rodrygo, Gabriel Jesus to name a few). They’ve got creative attacking and defensively-oriented options at midfield with Casemiro, Fabinho, and Bruno Guimarães, as well as a defense led by the ageless duo of Thiago Silva and Marquinhos. If an opposing player should find his way through all these obstacles, the final boss is only the top goalie in the world, Liverpool’s very own Alisson Becker. It’s all or nothing for this squad, I predict they’ll manage the high expectations
Portugal: There is no team I’m more excited to watch to be honest. So much pressure to succeed, but an equal chance they’ll internally combust and sabotage their own chances. Captained by the ever-mercurial Cristiano Ronaldo (fresh off a polarizing exclusive interview with the unflushable turd that is Piers Morgan) in what will almost certainly be his final World Cup (please God), the Seleção on paper are as talented as they come. Whether or not they can get on the same page and play beautiful football together will be the question. CR7 is betting big on himself this tournament, as growing rumors suggest Manchester United are looking to cut ties with him. My guess is this big bet backfires and fate spits in the sculpted face of Ronaldo, the drama!!