Saturday, May 27: Important News Update
Found some damaging information about a presidential front runner
The man who broke news of his candidacy for president on a failed Twitter announcement has been hiding a massive secret. Yesterday, I uncovered the truth about Florida’s governor, a truth that’s been hidden to avoid humiliation and ridicule.
His middle name is Dion. The man’s government name is Ronald Dion DeSantis, aka Ron Dion. If he were to run against our current president, we’d have a showdown between Ron Dion and Joey Robinette, a matchup that would amuse our foreign allies and enemies alike. We’ll soon become a global laughingstock if we continue to trot out candidates without properly vetting their Sesame Street-ass names.
I won’t be taking any questions at this time, but I will be using this information to sway voters from supporting a man with a clown’s name. Tread carefully with this information; the secret police are doubtlessly patrolling the web to protect Ronald’s secret.
Side Items
Lighthouse Giveaway: Ten lighthouses are being given away at no cost or sold at auction by the federal government. If you’ve ever dreamt of residing alone on a remote island, abandoning society to preserve the guiding flame atop a tower, this is your chance. The development of modern technology, like GPS, means lighthouses are no longer essential for navigation, but they still look pretty cool, and they come with the added benefit of being far-removed from the general public. Six lighthouses are being offered at no cost to federal, state or local government agencies, non-profits, educational organizations or other groups willing to maintain and preserve them and make them publicly available for educational, recreational or cultural purposes. If any of y’all do wind up getting a lighthouse, I call dibs on using it for my 4th of July fireworks extravaganza
Flying Idiot: A passenger on an Asiana Airlines flight opened an emergency exit door as the plane was coming in to land in South Korea, causing some minor injuries and general discomfort for other passengers. The guilty culprit told police he did it because he was feeling suffocated and wanted to disembark quickly, which honestly kinda sounds like a reasonable excuse. The man in his 30’s opened the emergency door when the plane was still about 700 feet above the ground, causing panic onboard and making for some pretty funny videos