Saturday, February 4: Rogue Weather Balloons
Harmless weather device or threatening Chinese spy? You decide
Who knew a balloon could cause such a diplomatic crisis?
US secretary of state Antony Blinken (y’all remember Jar Jar Blinks) canceled a trip to Beijing over what the Pentagon is calling a Chinese “intelligence-gathering balloon” hovering high above Montana. We’re five weeks into 2023 and the headlines are only getting stranger.
The Chinese government has claimed that this balloon was mainly for weather research, but was blown off-course and has limited maneuvering capabilities. However, American officials said they assessed it to be a collection device, though not as advanced Chinese reconnaissance satellites already orbiting and observing from space.
Of course, because China is involved some American lawmakers have taken this as an opportunity to show off their true hatred of balloons. A few of the real nutjobs have posted pictures to social media posing with their guns, an odd flex considering this balloon is flying at ~66,000 feet and is approximately the size of three school buses. Our bullets are useless against this advanced meteorological technology, it might as well be a Decepticon. Tune in next week when our borders are breached by Super Soaker-wielding Canadians.
Side Items
(DJ Khaled voice) Another One: A sixth Memphis police officer was fired by the department this week, after an internal police investigation showed he violated department policies in the murder of Tyre Nichols, including rules surrounding the deployment of a stun gun. Officer Preston Hemphill can be heard on bodycam footage from the initial stop saying that he used a stun gun against Nichols and explicitly saying, “I hope they stomp his ass.” This is a man who deserves a fate worse than death
Kyrie Watch 2k23: Brooklyn Nets star point guard Kyrie Irving requested a trade yesterday in a move that came as a shock to many, probably none more so than Kevin Durant. Irving was set to become a free agent this summer anyway, but wants out of Brooklyn before Thursday's NBA trade deadline. LeBron and the LA Lakers are likely salivating at the possibility of landing Irving, but it’ll be a steep price to acquire his shamanic powers