Monday, March 6: Anatomy of a Touchdown
How many goals would you score against Manchester United??
It was criminal, it was humiliating, it was blissful. It was a game that’ll fondly be remembered years from now, a beautiful embodiment of a once-golden empire caught in recent stagnation. Liverpool absolutely dominated their rivals Manchester United yesterday, with a final score that I couldn’t have predicted in my wildest sleep-deprived fantasies.
As a fan, it’s always easy to criticize from a distance, safely self-assured and untested. But somehow, walking around Chicago, IL, USA, I was able to score the same number of goals as Manchester United’s entire squad yesterday. Although I was thousands of miles away from the action, and while I wasn’t given the benefit of actually playing in the game, it could accurately be suggested that I had at least an equal offensive output to the entire Manchester United team. How unfortunate.
The goals came for Liverpool in every form; in the air, on the ground, through the legs of the legendary Spanish goalkeeper, from set pieces and counter attacks, down the wings and in the face of goal. Never in Premier League history had Manchester United given up seven goals, until yesterday. Mohammad Salah was previously one goal shy of tying the Liverpool record for Premier League goals, set by Robby Fowler back in 2001. Salah finished with two goals, bringing his total tally to 129 league goals for Liverpool, breaking a club record that’s stood for over two decades. Salah was one of three Liverpool players to finish the game with two goals.
It would be an understatement to say Liverpool scored a touchdown’s worth of goals against their rivals. Technically they scored a touchdown and an extra point worth of goals thanks to Bobby Firmino’s last-minute icing on what was truly a historic victory. News broke this week that Firmino will be leaving Liverpool at the end of the season, bringing an end to his eight year career with the Reds. He was the first player signed under head coach Jurgen Klopp, and he’s been a fan favorite for years. He’ll leave in the summer as the all-time leading Brazilian scorer in the Premier League, having won every major trophy the league has to offer. A living legend whose future is as bright as his medically-enhanced teeth.
As a sports fan, there are good results and bad results. Games that annoy you by how much they weigh on your conscience, and games that distract you from the very real problems that may be heavy on your mind. Yesterday was one of the all-time good ones.
Side Items
Trump at CPAC: Speaking to a restless audience in a sprawling hotel conference hall, the former president’s feeble voice took on more of a soft and haggard whisper than the booming, throaty screech that typically characterizes his campaign rallies. His language at the conference was among the darkest speeches he’s given since his “American carnage” inaugural address. Trump warned that the US is headed for World War III, as it’s becoming “a nation in decline” (copyright violation, you’ll be hearing from my attorneys) and a “crime-ridden, filthy communist nightmare.” He also spoke of an “epic battle” against “sinister forces” on the left, so he’s either headed deeper off the deep end or he’s playing one of the old Zelda games
Poisoning Schoolgirls: Somebody is poisoning schoolgirls in Iran. The crisis over suspected poisonings targeting Iranian schoolgirls escalated this week as authorities acknowledged over 50 schools were struck in a wave of possible cases. It remains unclear who or what is responsible since the alleged poisonings began in November in the Shiite holy city of Qom. Reports now suggest that schools across 21 of Iran’s 30 provinces have seen suspected cases, with girls’ schools the site of nearly all the incidents. The poisonings have only spread further fear among parents as Iran continues to face civil unrest
Chris Rock’s Not-So-Special: Almost a full year after being publicly slapped by another man, Chris Rock released his newest stand-up special on Netflix. “Selective Outrage” sounds like a collection of all the things Chris probably thought to say immediately after being slapped, we’ve all been undefeated in imaginary arguments in the shower, so it’s no surprise that he spends his time insulting Will and Jada Smith. Chris fiercely criticizes their marriage choices, and lectures Will on what NOT to do in front of white people. Rock must’ve forgotten the internet exists