Monday, January 29: Slow Burn
Kacey Musgraves' best song, also the current state of foreign affairs in the Middle East
In an obvious escalation of tensions, three American troops were killed and dozens more were injured this weekend in an overnight drone strike in northeast Jordan near the Syrian border. Of course, this complicates things drastically, particularly for a nation whose leadership were just saying, “we’re not at war in the Middle East”.
Naturally, the response from American politicians is exactly as unhinged as you might imagine. In the past 24 hours we’ve had numerous government officials call for the US to strike Tehran or to “hit Iran hard”, which I personally believe would go pretty poorly. But with Biden’s approval ratings in the toilet and election season heating up in the coming months, the war-mongering is only just beginning.
But for those of us opposed to another forever war, it’s just another day out here doing Putin’s work, according to insider trading extraordinaire Nancy Pelosi. Pelosi, who is herself older than the apartheid state of Israel, was invited onto a news show where she claimed that Palestinian protesters in America are doing Putin’s bidding. She truly can’t imagine that in 2024 there are people who somehow identify Palestinians as humans worthy of protection and liberation.
Pelosi claims that the ongoing call for a ceasefire are exactly what Putin wants. She goes so far as to say that some of the protestors might even be financed by Russia and that she will ask the FBI to look into it. Thank goodness! The FBI can finally take a break from entrapping mentally challenged teenagers and focus on the real scourge of this nation…Russian-financed assets masquerading as democratic voters? You’d think at some point people like Nancy might get tired of always using Putin as their scary villain, but I guess we haven’t quite reached that point just yet.
Side Items
One More Game: Despite her attempts to appear isolated in her classic track, “You Belong With Me”, pop superstar/newfound football fan Taylor Swift has managed to become the woman who’s both cheer captain AND somehow in the bleachers. Swift celebrated Kansas City’s victory yesterday, sending the ‘Chiefs’ (pretty racist name btw) to the Super Bowl on Feb. 11. The question on the mind of Swifties everywhere is whether or not she’ll be able to attend. Swift apparently has a tour date in Tokyo on Feb. 10, so there’s a decent chance we may witness the first televised teleportation in human history, because there’s simply no chance the NFL is holding this game without their golden goose in attendance
New Slaves: Did you know that a former slave plantation in the American South is now the country’s largest maximum-security prison? But wait, there’s more! This article details how some of the world’s largest food companies (Aldi, Walmart) and most popular brands (McDonalds) are directly tied to jobs performed by US prisoners across the country. These are undoubtedly among America’s most vulnerable laborers and their exploitation has only gotten worse as the private prison industry has grown