Friday, November 18: World Cup Fyre Fest
Things are about to get hectic in the small petro-state of Qatar
In an 11th hour decision that definitely won’t backfire, Qatar has decided to ban the sale of beer at or around the perimeter of stadiums during the World Cup. Of course, the sale of alcohol is strictly controlled in the conservative Muslim country, but organizers had previously promised that it would be available in match venues and in fan zones at a reasonable price. Instead, less than 48 hours before kickoff, the decision was reversed, leaving sponsors hurt and vendors scrambling.
It has now been decided that alcohol will be available at matches only in hospitality boxes, where the cheapest suites are approximately £20,000 a match, and some fan zones after 7pm, where it will cost nearly £12 for 500ml of Budweiser, one of the official sponsors of the tournament. The decision was confirmed by FIFA in a comedically terse statement earlier today.
“Following discussions between host country authorities and FIFA, a decision has been made to focus the sale of alcoholic beverages on the FIFA Fan Festival, other fan destinations and licensed venues, removing sales points of beer from Qatar’s World Cup 2022 stadium perimeters. There is no impact to the sale of Bud Zero, which will remain available at all Qatar’s World Cup stadiums.”
This is of course because Bud Zero is not beer, it’s some sort of fermented toilet water. It’ll be curious to see which fans wind up causing a scene over their forced sobriety first, but my money’s on the English.
Side Items
Twitter’s Last Days: After Apartheid Karen sent out a letter to employees earlier this week challenging them to be “hardcore” or to leave, hundreds of employees seem to have taken the latter option. The departures include many engineers responsible for fixing bugs, preventing service outages, basically making sure the site runs. Their overnight exit raises questions about the stability of the platform amid the loss of so many crucial employees. On the bright side, I’ll never stop thinking about shrimps frying their own rice
The End of Pelosi: The first female Speaker of the House stepped down yesterday, choosing to remain in Congress, but no longer wielding the kind of power that’s made her a hundred millionaire. Much will be said of Nancy Pelosi, there are already a thousand brown-nosing recaps of her accomplishments, but my opinion of her is decidedly less rosy. This is a woman who spent 35 years rubbing elbows with the most powerful people in the world, and all she’ll have to show for it are some sunglasses memes and a mountain of cash to enjoy in her remaining years. Good riddance Nance
Swifties, Meet Anticapitalism: Who knew that all it would take for politicians to take on monopolies was thousands of upset Taylor Swift fans? Ticketmaster, one of the worst websites in existence, has left scores of fans frustrated and empty-handed as the first wave of tickets for Taylor’s 52-date Eras Tour went on sale this week. The cursed website confused users with mixed messages, long wait times and temporary outages, causing distress for the masses of teenage girls looking for a chance to sing and dance with the long-backed siren of heartbreak
World Cup Preview (2 days until kickoff!!)
France: The defending champs travel to Qatar with both high expectations and a roster stocked with some of the best players on the planet. A strong-handed goalie, a fearsome back line, a midfield with everything to prove, and of course, up front, the reigning Ballon D’or winner along with the sensation from 2018’s tournament. With all these talents playing together, the only two outcomes I can envision are either total victory, or a humiliating and unexpected early exit. Being that this is likely the final World Cup for players like Benzema and Giroud, I think Les Bleus dig a little deeper and make a run in this tournament
Spain: One of the biggest question marks in my opinion, this Spanish team is a strange mix of old guard talent and up-and-coming promising youngsters. Several Spanish players were surprisingly omitted from the squad, including Manchester United goalkeeper David de Gea, PSG defender/assassin Sergio Ramos, and Liverpool midfielder Thiago Alcantara. In their place are young talents like Barcelona’s Pedri, Gavi, and Ansu Fati. Personally, I think all the changes will affect the team’s chemistry, resulting in an exit before the quarterfinals
"Bud Zero is not beer.. it's fermented toilet water" 😆
been enjoying the world cup previews a bunch! they're both informative and entertaining. thank you, kind sir, for your service to white-Americans-everywhere-who-are-clueless-on-football