Friday, November 11: Not Real News
Reality TV is a clear sign of imperial (and cognitive) decline
Let’s get right to it. As discussed last week, Netflix has dipped a crusty toe into the world of reality TV, captivating audiences this week by wrapping up the third season of Love is Blind. If you haven’t watched or aren’t interested, go on ahead and take the day off. If you’re still reading, spoiler alert, and prepare for the power rankings you didn’t know you needed.
Love is Blind Power Rankings
1st Place: SK, the unbothered and openly apathetic king. After seemingly jilting his lover at the altar, we learned in the reunion episode that the Nigerian had a plan all along, using the show as it should actually be used, to get to know a potential spouse, but not making the mistake of rushing into a wedding for the sake of TV audiences. At times it seemed almost like SK felt he was better than they other participants, and as the show progressed we start to understand why. Here is a man looking for love but avoiding drama at all costs. On this veteran’s day I salute you Mr. SK, truly braver than the troops
(leaving space to signify the yawning gap between unproblematic SK & every other character)
2nd Place: Raven, as SK’s match it makes sense that their energies would coalesce and these two would find a way to avoid the gossiping and late night dramatics. Unfortunately for Raven, she does choose to engage a bit in the ongoing squabbles, weighing in on other couples and accusing people (mostly just Cole) of being manipulative or deceitful. But her mistake is one of association, she simply aligns herself with the most questionable of characters (more on that to come)
3rd Place: Cole, the guy I thought I’d hate the most, mostly for unfair reasons like his terrible sense of style and general inability to string together a coherent phrase. Cole becomes, in my opinion, the most attacked character in the show, taking every L known to man and then making up a few new ones. Initially, Cole is simply left at the altar by his fiancee, Zanab, whose name he chooses to pronounce like a Migos adlib (RIP Takeoff). But to say he was left at the altar is being too generous. Zanab takes the opportunity, in front of their gathered friends and (some) family, to lambast the man, calling him disrespectful, tearing into his personality, and shaming how Cole “single-handed destroyed her (Zanab’s) self confidence”. It’s clear that the outburst catches Cole off-guard, but the cherry on top came at the conclusion of Zanab’s main character monologue, when she storms off the altar to a chorus of support and applause from her friends, leaving Cole shocked, embarrassed, and unquestionably single
4th Place: Colleen, somebody check on Colleen guys. Can someone be held hostage by choice? I understand Stockholm Syndrome and the idea of falling for your captor, but what if…you pick your captor on reality TV? Colleen always struck me as a bit lost, and her choosing Matt at her partner only added fuel to the fire. Their relationship was a string of mostly unnecessary apologies on her end, punctuated by Matt frustratingly/drunkenly tossing his arms in the air, saying, “Well f*ck me I guess” - definitely some strong domestic violence vibes from these two. But the reason Colleen is so low on the ranking is that she chose her incarcerator.
Speaking of which….
5th Place: Matt, aka Two-Date Matt (an objectively awful nickname). As previously mentioned, there’s not alot of depth to this guy. He does wind up marrying the woman he proposed to on the show, but at what cost? His numerous (drunken) outbursts constantly put his fiancee under stress, as she tried to figure out how to navigate life with a fool with an anger management issue. His own friends seem to suggest to him on the day of his wedding that it’s a bad idea, but here comes Matt, a white man who’s not afraid to make mistakes, and maybe ruin some lives in the process
Close to Last Place: Nancy, who now all of a sudden has smoke for Cole, but couldn’t bother being upset with the man who humiliated her openly and consistently. Nancy strikes me as someone who watched Lizzie McGuire as a child and decided to adopt the same approach, often sharing her inner dialogue with the camera. Unfortunately, life isn’t the Lizzie McGuire show, and Bartise is no Aaron Carter (rip). Nancy allows this man-child to openly criticize her looks and call other women attractive, all in the name of ‘honesty’. I’ve got no time for fools, and Nancy’s reaction to being ditched at the altar reveals her for a true fool. Rather than allowing her family to console her or going the classic route and running away, Nancy simply lingers outside the venue, trying to give a backpedaling Bartise the opportunity to explain himself. There was a brief moment where I thought Nancy’s mom might stab that man, but no such luck
Tied for Almost Last Place: Fellas, don’t be like Brennon. This man willingly married into a family that identifies as Zionist before Jewish? Eww. Brennon’s desperation is met by Alexa’s particularly bland personality of apathy and negativity. Not only does this man let his spouse walk all over him, he even follows her lead in baselessly attacking other participants (Cole) for describing their own relationship issues as “crazy” or “insane”. Overall, just the worst kinda guy
Tied for Almost Last Place: Alexa, Zionist before Jewish? Eww. A stepmother younger than you? Red flag. Making your man feel inadequate because he doesn’t make as much money as daddy? Gross. Openly complaining to other contestants about the quality of bedroom activities with your newfound love? Not great. Diving into other people’s relationships and claiming to know their intentions? A tasteless move from a person with no taste
Very Nearly Last Place: Bertise, the resident muppet. First this clown has the audacity to waste a woman’s time, telling his fiancee Nancy that he wasn’t ready at the altar, and setting off an unexpected family reunion outside the wedding venue. Bert then strolls into the reunion episode, glistening like Drake’s body double in a music video no one asked for, wearing an ill-fitting suit with pants more like kapris. Bert has fashioned his little fluffy fade into a top-knot, and spends his time avoiding any accountability. He managed to avoid last place only because he seems to genuinely believe the lies he spews. Here is a man (really a boy) convinced that he is a catch when actually he’s more “To Catch a Criminal”
Last Place: Zanab, who chooses to spell her own name incorrectly. I’ll be honest, I wanted to be on her team. I wanted to support this woman searching for love in all the wrong places, but by the reunion episode she makes it impossible. She has the very distinct and palpable quality of oozing negativity. She winds up matching with Cole, the opposite side of the spectrum, a foolish and messy white boy with no idea what spices to put on chicken. Their relationship is destined to fail, as her passive aggression is almost immediately noticed and pointed out. Her response throughout the duration of the “relationship” is to twist Cole’s words and intentionally mischaracterize his concern for her as body shaming and manipulation, lies that the other women believe and shame Cole for. While Cole is an idiot with the cooking instincts of a child, the final scene (the clementine cut if you will), vindicates at least some of his intentions as concern for his spouse’s wellbeing. I hope Zanab can learn and grow from this experience, but it seems unlikely when she’s hell-bent on being the victim of every encounter she doesn’t control
Honorable Mention: Nancy’s brother, Nancy’s mom, SK’s mom, Cole’s family (for avoiding having to deal with Zanab), and Bartise’s family (for putting that man in the basement and throwing away the key) and of course, Eye-Drop Andrew
Side Items
Twitter’s Emergency All-Hands Meeting: Yesterday the apartheid benificiary manchild almost broke his new toy. It’s almost impressive how quickly he’s been able to take something that worked ok and turn it into a roaring dumpster fire